London Escalator Etiquette

...of which there seems to be none.

The escalator. A simple, mundane yet effective invention, often overlooked as a necessity to the  London Undergrounds (and shopping centers, and even inside some stores like TopShop and Primark...awful, awful places. Always far too many people) links to the world above. It should get more credit, more love, have people be more attentive to its needs, to the 'rules'. What I'm getting at here is, DON'T FUCKING STAND ON THE LEFT! 

You wouldn't fucking SMOKE on the escalator would you!?

Now, I cannot be swayed nor deterred with my argument here. If you are a tourist, use your eyes. That's what they are for. Seeing. Look at what other people do, if you are doing it differently to the majority, the chances are you're doing it wrong. Or being a wanker for purposely opposing normality. You are not an innovator, you are not a martyr, hell you're not even mildly amusing. You're just a wanker. 

If you live here, on the other hand, in London and you have a brain, (physically, not literally. If you physically have no brain, I will accept you as an exception) you have no excuses. You know the 'rules'. If you stand on the wrong side, you are doing it on purpose, so thou shalt be banished to Hell for all eternity whenst thoust dies!.. I have no idea why that became all olden day lingo, it felt right, although I'm pretty sure technically, historically and linguistically, its completely wrong. 

ANYway. I would like to remind people of these 'rules' and the problems facing others who have the misfortune of encountering those who do not care for them.

You also may have noticed an unconventional, perhaps puzzling use of inverted commas, these are because when speaking of said 'rules', they are not technically law. They are unwritten rules, a mythological set of instructions passed down by word of mouth over generations...or something like that. We all know them anyway, that's my point. So for pity sake, adhere to them! 

1) If you have a buggy, make a concerted effort to park it to one side, it leaves enough of a gap for others to pass. Do not use that gap to stand in, adjacent to your buggy. That gap is for those in a rush, or the non-lazy people of London.

**This also applies to luggage. Give it its own step!

*tut tut* She should know better. She looks wise....she's old.

2) Don't stand side-by-side with another person on the right, on the same step. Just because you are trying to squeeze in to make it look like you're aware of the fact that you shouldn't be spilling over onto the wrong side...you are. It would be less effort, and make your squished mate (who was there first) less uncomfortable if you were to just stand in front of or behind them in the first place.

Escalator Wanker. Or if you're American, Wankorrr.

3) Even worse than standing on the wrong side is walking slower than TIME up the left hand side. If you insist on walking this slow, you may as well just be standing still. On the right. The same type of person usually tops this stunt off by stopping a mere 20 feet shy of the peak...WHY!? Has your body given up on you? Are you physically incapable of making the last few steps to the top? Most probably not. I do not even have an explanation for this behaviour, it is quite simply too much for my brain to comprehend. It literally explodes every time this event occurs. 

**This includes cutting someone up to get to the escalator first, only to dawdle at one tenth of the speed UP the stairs, slowing the person behind you and thus ruining their day before it has even begun.

4) PDA's on the escalator. In fact, overzealous PDA's ANYWHERE. Get a room. Or don't. I couldn't care less. Just stop tonguing so ferociously in front of my face. It offends my eyes and sickens my stomach. And probably gives young children and old dears nightmares.

5) Know the difference between an escalator and an elevator and what human capabilities you have to help yourself as best you can...

 Escalator etiquette. Learn it!

The end of a spectacular, glorious and unrivalled era

Sir Alex Ferguson. 26 years at the helm of Manchester United. Winner of 13 Premier League titles, 2 European Cups, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups and 1 European Cup Winners' Cup. His accomplishments will never again be achieved by any manager in this day and age of money grabbing, impatient businessmen in search only for financial success. However, after spending his whole life in football, he still looks shit at celebrating.

I can't dance, I can't sing, the only thing about me is the way I walk. Yes I'm quoting Genesis. So what!? I'm sad and confused!

A sad day for me, a sad day for Manchester United, players fans and staff and a sad day for football in general. It was going to have to come to an end at some stage, I mean, its not as if he would live forever, or be managing the team from his death bed...still furiously chewing gum. Perhaps its the right time considering his close friend Jose Mourinho is leaving Real Madrid at the end of the season. Coincidental? I hope not. 

Ahhh, they love each other!

The Rules are there are no Rules!

There are a lot of rules in life. And a lot of rules are there to be broken, I mean they're not made specifically to be ignored but some are just too tempting. AND we sometimes get a contradicting legality making you think, "what's the fucking point? who makes these rules?" Ok, so for example: you can't drive over 70mph on the motorway. Problemo Numero Uno. Cars. They are not speed-limited. I mean, technologically and mechanically they are, but legally? No. Why allow someone (especially someone who has a penis) the opportunity to break the law? Why is it illegal to go faster than 70, but legal to make a vehicle that CAN!? It just completely nonsensical. Are we being set up? Are the government in cahoots with car manufacturers to try and rid society of a whole number of people, chuck them in overcrowded prisons and charge the rest of us an enormously unreasonable amount of tax to cover the costs...because you gave them the option to do 90mph? WELL!?

I'm serious. I will tailgate you until you pull up outside your house, get out & punch you in the face

Secondly, there is a fast lane, an overtaking lane. If the speed limit is 70, and people should be doing this because lets face it, it's not that fast, and you give us an overtaking lane, referred to as the fast lane...we are going to overtake people, at high speed. Why wouldn't we? Its pretty much an invitation! Also, If you can't handle 70mph, use A-roads. Or in other words GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!

Now I am trying my best not to go off on a tangent, but this brings me (briefly) to middle lane hoggers...the scourge of the motorways. They are sitting there like, "I'm doing the legal speed limit, I'm completely within my rights to sit here like a pig, pissing off everyone behind and beside me, and then nonchalantly show you the middle finger as you pass me, breaking the speed limit, screaming furiously across your terrified 7 year old daughter in the passenger seat next to you..."

This was supposed to be a post about how people on escalators annoy me. I was planning on getting to my point via a linking comment about laws, unwritten rules and regulations and how some never be broken, i.e. standing on the wrong side of the escalator, but instead, I now have road rage...at my desk. 

I'm Back By Popular Demand

I'm back...POW!

That is in fact a lie. I am not back by popular demand. But it looks and sounds better that "Friends laugh at previous stupidity, then request more crap to laugh at". But hey, a laugh is a laugh...

This is what you SHOULD've had

Mr Stuart Pearce. Manager or Great Britain's football team for the Olympics. Let me remind you why David Beckham should NEVER have been overlooked for the squad.

"Look into the camera, smile, and say: Up yours Stuart"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP9Iez5eLlc&feature=related

I am obviously a Beckham fan and always was pro-Becks for the Olympics. Yes, I believe he deserves a place purely based on what he did as an ambassador to bring it to London in the first place, you could see how much it meant to him, how patriotic he is. Its all well saying 'everyone would have wanted to be part of the team', but that's not an excuse or an argument against his inclusion. I didn't see anyone else volunteering as much as he did (football-wise). However, I still firmly believe he is capable of playing at the highest standard, he has shown it with many displays for LA Galaxy where he has been the stand-out player. Perhaps he wouldn't be the stand out player in a European team but he would still do a job. Also, his wealth of experience is unrivalled. No-one has the international experience he does in team GB. Giggs, domestically yes, but not Internationally. And you're telling me Micah Richards deserves a place after refusing to go on the stand-by list for the European Championships? Beckham would have chewed his own arm off to be on the stand-by list. It makes me angry that people have written him off as a has-been when the above link demonstrates otherwise, as does the 2012 ESPY he won for the 'Best MLS Player' earlier this month.

Stuart Pearce. England lion and legend you may be, but you have made a mistake with this selection. Why place him on the list, raising hopes (his AND ours) of playing amongst all the media hype if you were never going to take him. It seems you have made an example of him, almost as badly and distastefully as Steve 'wolly with the brolly' McClaren. I for one am much less looking forward to travelling ALL the way to Cardiff to see the team minus David Beckham.

Tom (Thumb) Cruise's Holmes makes like a banana...

"By the way, I dropped Suri off for her Scientology induction"

Poor old Tom Cruise. Didn't see it coming eh? Not just a little bit, Tom? Not even on the eve of her 33rd Birthday? Not just an incy bit paranoid? I question Tom's (first name terms, of course) apparent surprise because, like those before her, his ex-wives also left him when they turned thirty-three. 33rd's all around then.

Now, I like Tom Cruise, I don't buy into all that Scientology nonsense though, it's irrelevant, in terms of what i like about him. I like many of his films, I like how polite and accommodating he seems (I have heard first hand from someone who has worked with him on set) and I like how he doesn't take himself too seriously. Hmm...maybe I just ignore the whole Scientology issue then.

ANYway, I'm quite a sceptic when it comes to things such as curses and such, however, this particular case is quite hard to ignore. Now. Lets get the facts in first. All 3 of Toms wives left him at the age of 33. Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and now Katie Holmes. AND, they were born 11 years apart, 1956, 1967 and 1978 respectively...totalling 33. "Strange?" I hear you...think, probably. YES, it IS strange, until more is revealed. The divorces were also 11 years apart, 1990, 2001 & 2012. "Spooky" I hear you say aloud. YES, it IS spooky. Until I reveal more that is! With regards to the whole Scientology link, apparently, and this is where my knowledge begins and ends about 'latitude' and 'longitude', apparently, the religion has been linked to the 33rd parallel North, a circle of latitude (dunno, look it up). "O.M.G!" You abbreviate in such a manner as to purposely attract attention from anyone around you. YES, omg. Coincidental? Planned (that would be weird)? Who knows. Oh, also, just for effect, Jesus performed 33 miracles and was 33 years old when he was crucified! Its not really that relevant as its not to do with Tom's private life or Scientology, but it is to do with Religion, at that is a loose link worth mentioning...to pad out this totally unnecessary article.

What month is it?

Rose Dawson (Titanic). Selfish bitch even in her old age.

Premature speculation. That summer was here, that is. As per my previous blog, the summer is in fact NOT here. Instead we find ourselves in tropical monsoon weather. Who would have thunk it!? June and raining in London...in Britain! But we all get carried away, it's our nature. We get carried away with everything, the weather, the football, the recession, swine flu, fuel shortages. You name it, we panic about it. People in the public eye create paranoia and hysteria and we all go "Oh my god! The entire WORLDS supply of petrol has run out over night!" And then people go gas guzzling, storing it in their homes and blowing themselves up. One week later....no, there were no shortages, it was probably just a ploy by the government to make us shell out shit loads of money for copious amounts of fuel which was completely unnecessary and now we're all stuck with it. Paranoid we're going to blow ourselves up. (Someone ACTUALLY did this, by the way). Hmm. Anyway, I seem to have gone off-topic. So yes, the weather. Boring. Grey. Dull. Raining. Get used to it.