The end of a spectacular, glorious and unrivalled era

Sir Alex Ferguson. 26 years at the helm of Manchester United. Winner of 13 Premier League titles, 2 European Cups, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups and 1 European Cup Winners' Cup. His accomplishments will never again be achieved by any manager in this day and age of money grabbing, impatient businessmen in search only for financial success. However, after spending his whole life in football, he still looks shit at celebrating.

I can't dance, I can't sing, the only thing about me is the way I walk. Yes I'm quoting Genesis. So what!? I'm sad and confused!

A sad day for me, a sad day for Manchester United, players fans and staff and a sad day for football in general. It was going to have to come to an end at some stage, I mean, its not as if he would live forever, or be managing the team from his death bed...still furiously chewing gum. Perhaps its the right time considering his close friend Jose Mourinho is leaving Real Madrid at the end of the season. Coincidental? I hope not. 

Ahhh, they love each other!

The Rules are there are no Rules!

There are a lot of rules in life. And a lot of rules are there to be broken, I mean they're not made specifically to be ignored but some are just too tempting. AND we sometimes get a contradicting legality making you think, "what's the fucking point? who makes these rules?" Ok, so for example: you can't drive over 70mph on the motorway. Problemo Numero Uno. Cars. They are not speed-limited. I mean, technologically and mechanically they are, but legally? No. Why allow someone (especially someone who has a penis) the opportunity to break the law? Why is it illegal to go faster than 70, but legal to make a vehicle that CAN!? It just completely nonsensical. Are we being set up? Are the government in cahoots with car manufacturers to try and rid society of a whole number of people, chuck them in overcrowded prisons and charge the rest of us an enormously unreasonable amount of tax to cover the costs...because you gave them the option to do 90mph? WELL!?

I'm serious. I will tailgate you until you pull up outside your house, get out & punch you in the face

Secondly, there is a fast lane, an overtaking lane. If the speed limit is 70, and people should be doing this because lets face it, it's not that fast, and you give us an overtaking lane, referred to as the fast lane...we are going to overtake people, at high speed. Why wouldn't we? Its pretty much an invitation! Also, If you can't handle 70mph, use A-roads. Or in other words GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!

Now I am trying my best not to go off on a tangent, but this brings me (briefly) to middle lane hoggers...the scourge of the motorways. They are sitting there like, "I'm doing the legal speed limit, I'm completely within my rights to sit here like a pig, pissing off everyone behind and beside me, and then nonchalantly show you the middle finger as you pass me, breaking the speed limit, screaming furiously across your terrified 7 year old daughter in the passenger seat next to you..."

This was supposed to be a post about how people on escalators annoy me. I was planning on getting to my point via a linking comment about laws, unwritten rules and regulations and how some never be broken, i.e. standing on the wrong side of the escalator, but instead, I now have road rage...at my desk. 

I'm Back By Popular Demand

I'm back...POW!

That is in fact a lie. I am not back by popular demand. But it looks and sounds better that "Friends laugh at previous stupidity, then request more crap to laugh at". But hey, a laugh is a laugh...

This is what you SHOULD've had

Mr Stuart Pearce. Manager or Great Britain's football team for the Olympics. Let me remind you why David Beckham should NEVER have been overlooked for the squad.

"Look into the camera, smile, and say: Up yours Stuart"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP9Iez5eLlc&feature=related

I am obviously a Beckham fan and always was pro-Becks for the Olympics. Yes, I believe he deserves a place purely based on what he did as an ambassador to bring it to London in the first place, you could see how much it meant to him, how patriotic he is. Its all well saying 'everyone would have wanted to be part of the team', but that's not an excuse or an argument against his inclusion. I didn't see anyone else volunteering as much as he did (football-wise). However, I still firmly believe he is capable of playing at the highest standard, he has shown it with many displays for LA Galaxy where he has been the stand-out player. Perhaps he wouldn't be the stand out player in a European team but he would still do a job. Also, his wealth of experience is unrivalled. No-one has the international experience he does in team GB. Giggs, domestically yes, but not Internationally. And you're telling me Micah Richards deserves a place after refusing to go on the stand-by list for the European Championships? Beckham would have chewed his own arm off to be on the stand-by list. It makes me angry that people have written him off as a has-been when the above link demonstrates otherwise, as does the 2012 ESPY he won for the 'Best MLS Player' earlier this month.

Stuart Pearce. England lion and legend you may be, but you have made a mistake with this selection. Why place him on the list, raising hopes (his AND ours) of playing amongst all the media hype if you were never going to take him. It seems you have made an example of him, almost as badly and distastefully as Steve 'wolly with the brolly' McClaren. I for one am much less looking forward to travelling ALL the way to Cardiff to see the team minus David Beckham.

Tom (Thumb) Cruise's Holmes makes like a banana...

"By the way, I dropped Suri off for her Scientology induction"

Poor old Tom Cruise. Didn't see it coming eh? Not just a little bit, Tom? Not even on the eve of her 33rd Birthday? Not just an incy bit paranoid? I question Tom's (first name terms, of course) apparent surprise because, like those before her, his ex-wives also left him when they turned thirty-three. 33rd's all around then.

Now, I like Tom Cruise, I don't buy into all that Scientology nonsense though, it's irrelevant, in terms of what i like about him. I like many of his films, I like how polite and accommodating he seems (I have heard first hand from someone who has worked with him on set) and I like how he doesn't take himself too seriously. Hmm...maybe I just ignore the whole Scientology issue then.

ANYway, I'm quite a sceptic when it comes to things such as curses and such, however, this particular case is quite hard to ignore. Now. Lets get the facts in first. All 3 of Toms wives left him at the age of 33. Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and now Katie Holmes. AND, they were born 11 years apart, 1956, 1967 and 1978 respectively...totalling 33. "Strange?" I hear you...think, probably. YES, it IS strange, until more is revealed. The divorces were also 11 years apart, 1990, 2001 & 2012. "Spooky" I hear you say aloud. YES, it IS spooky. Until I reveal more that is! With regards to the whole Scientology link, apparently, and this is where my knowledge begins and ends about 'latitude' and 'longitude', apparently, the religion has been linked to the 33rd parallel North, a circle of latitude (dunno, look it up). "O.M.G!" You abbreviate in such a manner as to purposely attract attention from anyone around you. YES, omg. Coincidental? Planned (that would be weird)? Who knows. Oh, also, just for effect, Jesus performed 33 miracles and was 33 years old when he was crucified! Its not really that relevant as its not to do with Tom's private life or Scientology, but it is to do with Religion, at that is a loose link worth mentioning...to pad out this totally unnecessary article.

What month is it?

Rose Dawson (Titanic). Selfish bitch even in her old age.

Premature speculation. That summer was here, that is. As per my previous blog, the summer is in fact NOT here. Instead we find ourselves in tropical monsoon weather. Who would have thunk it!? June and raining in London...in Britain! But we all get carried away, it's our nature. We get carried away with everything, the weather, the football, the recession, swine flu, fuel shortages. You name it, we panic about it. People in the public eye create paranoia and hysteria and we all go "Oh my god! The entire WORLDS supply of petrol has run out over night!" And then people go gas guzzling, storing it in their homes and blowing themselves up. One week later....no, there were no shortages, it was probably just a ploy by the government to make us shell out shit loads of money for copious amounts of fuel which was completely unnecessary and now we're all stuck with it. Paranoid we're going to blow ourselves up. (Someone ACTUALLY did this, by the way). Hmm. Anyway, I seem to have gone off-topic. So yes, the weather. Boring. Grey. Dull. Raining. Get used to it. 

SUMMER IS HERE!

Summer is hot. Dual meaning "five". Shazam

No, unfortunately not 'The O.C' Summer, but instead the season. Well, at least it feels that way, and my entire left side agrees. HOW, I would like to ask, does the sun manage to heat up half the globe at one time, yet only manage to tan (ok, burn) HALF of my body? I just don't get it. Never-the-less, let's not moan before its barely begun....well, maybe just a bit.

Parks. Parks are not beaches. There is no sea. There is no sand. There are no crabs...of the oceanic variety (gross, sorry). So why is it okay to wear swimwear? Ok, so I get it, if women were to strip down to their bra and knickers, that would be far weirder, right? But it still feels a little bit, well, weird seeing bikini's donned everywhere. They have such a strong association with water (because they are meant to be used to SWIM in it) I find it hard to look past. However, despite this, there is really nothing else as suitable. Just, maybe wear some shorts over the top (and don't lay down, fat ass-to-face with me with it all hanging out). I'm not being a prude, just exorcising my right to be OCD about whatever I want.

Blokes in Hawaiian shorts though. NO. Not at the park, not even really at the beach! Sort it out. And just because your ripped mate takes his shirt off, doesn't mean podgy old you can do so just by association.

Ice Cream vans. Saviours of the hot summer day, deliverer of fruit pastel lollies, lemonade lollies, twisters, bubblegum sundaes and 99 flakes....you what? £1.49 for a 99 Flake? I'm sorry, when on earth did 99 NOT stand for pence? AND they now charge extra for the flake...WHICH ISN'T EVEN A WHOLE FLAKE! £1.69 in total. I could almost buy a tub for that price in the supermarket. Maybe I should, maybe I will actually? "One '99' Fake please (yes, I'm that sad)...oh, oh, oh no wait, I have already paid that amount...FOR A TUB. Stick that in your 99 and flake it!" On second thoughts, I probably won't do that in fear of being laughed at and then being made to pay for the ice-cream I just asked for.

On the bright side, It's nice to not be cold or wet. Until the 'premature' weather comes to a halt and our real summer begins anyway. And hey, I treated you to a picture of Summer!