London Escalator Etiquette

...of which there seems to be none.

The escalator. A simple, mundane yet effective invention, often overlooked as a necessity to the  London Undergrounds (and shopping centers, and even inside some stores like TopShop and Primark...awful, awful places. Always far too many people) links to the world above. It should get more credit, more love, have people be more attentive to its needs, to the 'rules'. What I'm getting at here is, DON'T FUCKING STAND ON THE LEFT! 

You wouldn't fucking SMOKE on the escalator would you!?

Now, I cannot be swayed nor deterred with my argument here. If you are a tourist, use your eyes. That's what they are for. Seeing. Look at what other people do, if you are doing it differently to the majority, the chances are you're doing it wrong. Or being a wanker for purposely opposing normality. You are not an innovator, you are not a martyr, hell you're not even mildly amusing. You're just a wanker. 

If you live here, on the other hand, in London and you have a brain, (physically, not literally. If you physically have no brain, I will accept you as an exception) you have no excuses. You know the 'rules'. If you stand on the wrong side, you are doing it on purpose, so thou shalt be banished to Hell for all eternity whenst thoust dies!.. I have no idea why that became all olden day lingo, it felt right, although I'm pretty sure technically, historically and linguistically, its completely wrong. 

ANYway. I would like to remind people of these 'rules' and the problems facing others who have the misfortune of encountering those who do not care for them.

You also may have noticed an unconventional, perhaps puzzling use of inverted commas, these are because when speaking of said 'rules', they are not technically law. They are unwritten rules, a mythological set of instructions passed down by word of mouth over generations...or something like that. We all know them anyway, that's my point. So for pity sake, adhere to them! 

1) If you have a buggy, make a concerted effort to park it to one side, it leaves enough of a gap for others to pass. Do not use that gap to stand in, adjacent to your buggy. That gap is for those in a rush, or the non-lazy people of London.

**This also applies to luggage. Give it its own step!

*tut tut* She should know better. She looks wise....she's old.

2) Don't stand side-by-side with another person on the right, on the same step. Just because you are trying to squeeze in to make it look like you're aware of the fact that you shouldn't be spilling over onto the wrong side...you are. It would be less effort, and make your squished mate (who was there first) less uncomfortable if you were to just stand in front of or behind them in the first place.

Escalator Wanker. Or if you're American, Wankorrr.

3) Even worse than standing on the wrong side is walking slower than TIME up the left hand side. If you insist on walking this slow, you may as well just be standing still. On the right. The same type of person usually tops this stunt off by stopping a mere 20 feet shy of the peak...WHY!? Has your body given up on you? Are you physically incapable of making the last few steps to the top? Most probably not. I do not even have an explanation for this behaviour, it is quite simply too much for my brain to comprehend. It literally explodes every time this event occurs. 

**This includes cutting someone up to get to the escalator first, only to dawdle at one tenth of the speed UP the stairs, slowing the person behind you and thus ruining their day before it has even begun.

4) PDA's on the escalator. In fact, overzealous PDA's ANYWHERE. Get a room. Or don't. I couldn't care less. Just stop tonguing so ferociously in front of my face. It offends my eyes and sickens my stomach. And probably gives young children and old dears nightmares.

5) Know the difference between an escalator and an elevator and what human capabilities you have to help yourself as best you can...

 Escalator etiquette. Learn it!

The end of a spectacular, glorious and unrivalled era

Sir Alex Ferguson. 26 years at the helm of Manchester United. Winner of 13 Premier League titles, 2 European Cups, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups and 1 European Cup Winners' Cup. His accomplishments will never again be achieved by any manager in this day and age of money grabbing, impatient businessmen in search only for financial success. However, after spending his whole life in football, he still looks shit at celebrating.

I can't dance, I can't sing, the only thing about me is the way I walk. Yes I'm quoting Genesis. So what!? I'm sad and confused!

A sad day for me, a sad day for Manchester United, players fans and staff and a sad day for football in general. It was going to have to come to an end at some stage, I mean, its not as if he would live forever, or be managing the team from his death bed...still furiously chewing gum. Perhaps its the right time considering his close friend Jose Mourinho is leaving Real Madrid at the end of the season. Coincidental? I hope not. 

Ahhh, they love each other!

The Rules are there are no Rules!

There are a lot of rules in life. And a lot of rules are there to be broken, I mean they're not made specifically to be ignored but some are just too tempting. AND we sometimes get a contradicting legality making you think, "what's the fucking point? who makes these rules?" Ok, so for example: you can't drive over 70mph on the motorway. Problemo Numero Uno. Cars. They are not speed-limited. I mean, technologically and mechanically they are, but legally? No. Why allow someone (especially someone who has a penis) the opportunity to break the law? Why is it illegal to go faster than 70, but legal to make a vehicle that CAN!? It just completely nonsensical. Are we being set up? Are the government in cahoots with car manufacturers to try and rid society of a whole number of people, chuck them in overcrowded prisons and charge the rest of us an enormously unreasonable amount of tax to cover the costs...because you gave them the option to do 90mph? WELL!?

I'm serious. I will tailgate you until you pull up outside your house, get out & punch you in the face

Secondly, there is a fast lane, an overtaking lane. If the speed limit is 70, and people should be doing this because lets face it, it's not that fast, and you give us an overtaking lane, referred to as the fast lane...we are going to overtake people, at high speed. Why wouldn't we? Its pretty much an invitation! Also, If you can't handle 70mph, use A-roads. Or in other words GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!

Now I am trying my best not to go off on a tangent, but this brings me (briefly) to middle lane hoggers...the scourge of the motorways. They are sitting there like, "I'm doing the legal speed limit, I'm completely within my rights to sit here like a pig, pissing off everyone behind and beside me, and then nonchalantly show you the middle finger as you pass me, breaking the speed limit, screaming furiously across your terrified 7 year old daughter in the passenger seat next to you..."

This was supposed to be a post about how people on escalators annoy me. I was planning on getting to my point via a linking comment about laws, unwritten rules and regulations and how some never be broken, i.e. standing on the wrong side of the escalator, but instead, I now have road rage...at my desk. 

I'm Back By Popular Demand

I'm back...POW!

That is in fact a lie. I am not back by popular demand. But it looks and sounds better that "Friends laugh at previous stupidity, then request more crap to laugh at". But hey, a laugh is a laugh...

This is what you SHOULD've had

Mr Stuart Pearce. Manager or Great Britain's football team for the Olympics. Let me remind you why David Beckham should NEVER have been overlooked for the squad.

"Look into the camera, smile, and say: Up yours Stuart"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP9Iez5eLlc&feature=related

I am obviously a Beckham fan and always was pro-Becks for the Olympics. Yes, I believe he deserves a place purely based on what he did as an ambassador to bring it to London in the first place, you could see how much it meant to him, how patriotic he is. Its all well saying 'everyone would have wanted to be part of the team', but that's not an excuse or an argument against his inclusion. I didn't see anyone else volunteering as much as he did (football-wise). However, I still firmly believe he is capable of playing at the highest standard, he has shown it with many displays for LA Galaxy where he has been the stand-out player. Perhaps he wouldn't be the stand out player in a European team but he would still do a job. Also, his wealth of experience is unrivalled. No-one has the international experience he does in team GB. Giggs, domestically yes, but not Internationally. And you're telling me Micah Richards deserves a place after refusing to go on the stand-by list for the European Championships? Beckham would have chewed his own arm off to be on the stand-by list. It makes me angry that people have written him off as a has-been when the above link demonstrates otherwise, as does the 2012 ESPY he won for the 'Best MLS Player' earlier this month.

Stuart Pearce. England lion and legend you may be, but you have made a mistake with this selection. Why place him on the list, raising hopes (his AND ours) of playing amongst all the media hype if you were never going to take him. It seems you have made an example of him, almost as badly and distastefully as Steve 'wolly with the brolly' McClaren. I for one am much less looking forward to travelling ALL the way to Cardiff to see the team minus David Beckham.

Tom (Thumb) Cruise's Holmes makes like a banana...

"By the way, I dropped Suri off for her Scientology induction"

Poor old Tom Cruise. Didn't see it coming eh? Not just a little bit, Tom? Not even on the eve of her 33rd Birthday? Not just an incy bit paranoid? I question Tom's (first name terms, of course) apparent surprise because, like those before her, his ex-wives also left him when they turned thirty-three. 33rd's all around then.

Now, I like Tom Cruise, I don't buy into all that Scientology nonsense though, it's irrelevant, in terms of what i like about him. I like many of his films, I like how polite and accommodating he seems (I have heard first hand from someone who has worked with him on set) and I like how he doesn't take himself too seriously. Hmm...maybe I just ignore the whole Scientology issue then.

ANYway, I'm quite a sceptic when it comes to things such as curses and such, however, this particular case is quite hard to ignore. Now. Lets get the facts in first. All 3 of Toms wives left him at the age of 33. Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and now Katie Holmes. AND, they were born 11 years apart, 1956, 1967 and 1978 respectively...totalling 33. "Strange?" I hear you...think, probably. YES, it IS strange, until more is revealed. The divorces were also 11 years apart, 1990, 2001 & 2012. "Spooky" I hear you say aloud. YES, it IS spooky. Until I reveal more that is! With regards to the whole Scientology link, apparently, and this is where my knowledge begins and ends about 'latitude' and 'longitude', apparently, the religion has been linked to the 33rd parallel North, a circle of latitude (dunno, look it up). "O.M.G!" You abbreviate in such a manner as to purposely attract attention from anyone around you. YES, omg. Coincidental? Planned (that would be weird)? Who knows. Oh, also, just for effect, Jesus performed 33 miracles and was 33 years old when he was crucified! Its not really that relevant as its not to do with Tom's private life or Scientology, but it is to do with Religion, at that is a loose link worth mentioning...to pad out this totally unnecessary article.

What month is it?

Rose Dawson (Titanic). Selfish bitch even in her old age.

Premature speculation. That summer was here, that is. As per my previous blog, the summer is in fact NOT here. Instead we find ourselves in tropical monsoon weather. Who would have thunk it!? June and raining in London...in Britain! But we all get carried away, it's our nature. We get carried away with everything, the weather, the football, the recession, swine flu, fuel shortages. You name it, we panic about it. People in the public eye create paranoia and hysteria and we all go "Oh my god! The entire WORLDS supply of petrol has run out over night!" And then people go gas guzzling, storing it in their homes and blowing themselves up. One week later....no, there were no shortages, it was probably just a ploy by the government to make us shell out shit loads of money for copious amounts of fuel which was completely unnecessary and now we're all stuck with it. Paranoid we're going to blow ourselves up. (Someone ACTUALLY did this, by the way). Hmm. Anyway, I seem to have gone off-topic. So yes, the weather. Boring. Grey. Dull. Raining. Get used to it. 

SUMMER IS HERE!

Summer is hot. Dual meaning "five". Shazam

No, unfortunately not 'The O.C' Summer, but instead the season. Well, at least it feels that way, and my entire left side agrees. HOW, I would like to ask, does the sun manage to heat up half the globe at one time, yet only manage to tan (ok, burn) HALF of my body? I just don't get it. Never-the-less, let's not moan before its barely begun....well, maybe just a bit.

Parks. Parks are not beaches. There is no sea. There is no sand. There are no crabs...of the oceanic variety (gross, sorry). So why is it okay to wear swimwear? Ok, so I get it, if women were to strip down to their bra and knickers, that would be far weirder, right? But it still feels a little bit, well, weird seeing bikini's donned everywhere. They have such a strong association with water (because they are meant to be used to SWIM in it) I find it hard to look past. However, despite this, there is really nothing else as suitable. Just, maybe wear some shorts over the top (and don't lay down, fat ass-to-face with me with it all hanging out). I'm not being a prude, just exorcising my right to be OCD about whatever I want.

Blokes in Hawaiian shorts though. NO. Not at the park, not even really at the beach! Sort it out. And just because your ripped mate takes his shirt off, doesn't mean podgy old you can do so just by association.

Ice Cream vans. Saviours of the hot summer day, deliverer of fruit pastel lollies, lemonade lollies, twisters, bubblegum sundaes and 99 flakes....you what? £1.49 for a 99 Flake? I'm sorry, when on earth did 99 NOT stand for pence? AND they now charge extra for the flake...WHICH ISN'T EVEN A WHOLE FLAKE! £1.69 in total. I could almost buy a tub for that price in the supermarket. Maybe I should, maybe I will actually? "One '99' Fake please (yes, I'm that sad)...oh, oh, oh no wait, I have already paid that amount...FOR A TUB. Stick that in your 99 and flake it!" On second thoughts, I probably won't do that in fear of being laughed at and then being made to pay for the ice-cream I just asked for.

On the bright side, It's nice to not be cold or wet. Until the 'premature' weather comes to a halt and our real summer begins anyway. And hey, I treated you to a picture of Summer!

Woy Woy Woy

The two best Roy Hodgson impersonators...

Roy 'Woy' Hodgson takes over the England team on a four year contract. Good appointment? Hmmmm. I guess only time will tell, but that is what the FA aimed for. Appointing a manager such as Redknapp, the fans favourite, would have lead to a demand of instant success starting with the Euro's. With Hodgson, we have a tactic in place ensuring the plan lies long term. No-one is going to expect England to win the Euro's (not that we did anyway), but the furore which would have been created should Harry have been named manager would have ensured the nation become expectant of success. Naive, yes, fickle, yes, but that's just how we are as a nation. With Roy at the helm, I genuinely believe the team will be given time, cut a little slack and be able to enjoy football again without the insurmountable pressure to win every time they step onto a pitch. Of course we will still be expected to progress from the group stage along with France, but I believe anything beyond the first knock-out stage will be considered a bonus. So, let's TRY to enjoy the Euro's and look forward to the next World Cup...BRAZIL!   

We can all look forward to this...I mean the football in 2014

United Succumb to City

Two's Kompany, Three's a...but seriously, why wasn't Ferdinand marking him?

Sooooo, Manchester United play conservatively against City rivals and get beat. Surprised? Neither am I. What happened to the tried and tested, goal scoring formation including Welbeck and Valencia!? Have we (I say we because I support, not because I am part of the team. Unfortunately for me, fortunately for them) relinquished the title with two games to go? Perhaps. Will QPR pull of another miracle (after beating Arsenal and Liverpool) and beat City? Unlikely. Very unlikely. However *rubbing hands together*, there is a small matter of the Toon to come, at St. James...sorry, The Sports Direct Arena (bleuurgh!). If ever I were to request a favour from Newcastle in my days of being a United supporter and football fan, it is now. I am not a pessimist, but on seeing the team sheet for Monday night, I had to predict a close City victory, but I am hopeful and do genuinely believe New'cassle can take a point from that fixture and presuming United don't f**k up at Sunderland and SMASH QPR, we can still run out victors!

The Demba-Bus is Coming!

 

Sofar Sounds

http://www.sofarsounds.com/

I have been useless recently, not updating this space for a while (for those few of you who care, me and...erm) but I just wanted to bring this to your attention. Sofarsounds/Songs For a Room has been round for a little while now but has more recently EXPLODED with popularity around the globe. The idea of it is to bring new, up and coming artists to small space in someones home for a gig that has a more personal feel to it. You have to be subscribed to be able to attend and it is extremely hard to get a place as it is so popular, but perservere at all costs as if you are lucky enough to be able to attend, it will undoubtedly be one of the best gigs you would have ever been to and will go to. Everyone wants to be there to listen to and appreciate the music. No-one chit chats over the artists and the atmosphere is fantastic, whether it's completedly relaxed and chilled out, like listening to someone like The Daydream Club or something more thigh-slappingly, foot tappingly upbeat like Admiral Fallow.

Also, follow them on twitter @Sofarsounds for updates on upcoming shows and past performances.

Simon's Cat

I would like to take some time to point people in the direction of Simon's Cat, a hilarious depiction of creator Simon Tofield's cat(s). For those of you who haven't already stumbled across it, Simon's Cat is a number of short animations revolving around his cat who, basically is a pain in the backside, creating havoc (albeit very funnily) to draw attention to the fact he wants to be fed. Simon manages to capture the characteristics of the cat brilliantly, from the way it wiggles its bum before pouncing to the persistent clawing of a soft surface and rotating a number of times before eventually settling down.

The website has expanded significantly since I first came across it, with all sorts of merchandise now available to buy and a much larger library of 'episodes'. The longest of these only lasts around two and a half minutes so even if it's just to kill some time at work or something, I would recommend taking a look (via the link below). I guarantee you will fall in love with the cat and I defy any of you not to laugh or coo at any of the animations, especially with the introduction of the kitten...

http://www.simonscat.com/Films/ 

900 games and still going strong

Ryan Giggs reaches 900 appearances and scores a late winner against Norwich

Ryan Giggs, say what you want about the man off the pitch, but on it he has been, unquestionably, one of the best players to have ever graced the game and has preserved himself legendary status at Manchester United.
At 38 years of age, he shows no signs of slowing down, although he no longer flies up and down the touchline after taking on a more central role in midfield, he still pulls the strings creatively.

He displays an unrivaled desire to win every game, evident again on Sunday by his last minute winner at Carrow Road. His celebration sums up just how much every win and every point means to him and the club he has remained loyal to for the past 21 years. Ferguson has said he has accomplished a feat that he believes no other will, not for one club. The only player close is Paolo Maldini who racked up 902 for AC Milan, but with due respect, he played in a central role in defence, arguably a position requiring less physical exertion than the ones Giggs has played over the years.

So long as he continues putting in top class performances, age shouldn't be an issue. He is due to play up until a few months prior to his 40th Birthday after signing a one year extension. Who knows what will happen after that? No-one would put it past him to reach 1000 games at United, after all, Stanley Matthews played into his 50's. In the modern day, with sports science being so much more advanced, who could doubt that Giggs would be able do the same? Not me.

Premier League Match of the Season so Far...

The Come Back Kids...and Grandpa Giggs

Chelsea 3-3 Manchester United. Perhaps the Londoners will not feel the same way as us United fans, or the neutrals, but seeing a team come back from 3-0 down is always a thrilling one. And as Rooney rightly pointed out after the match, it is indeed a point that could end up winning United the League in the long run. It is games like this which helps prove that the Premier League is THE best in Europe...dare I say the world?

Although two of Chelsea's goals were soft, an awkward own goal bouncing in off Evans after striking De Gea's knee following Daniel Sturridge's cross, and a re-directed header from David Luiz taking another deflection off Ferninand (Juan Mata's goal was pure class), it takes nothing away from the way in which United fought back. They never looked like losing, even from the first minute. They looked the most dangerous of the teams on the attack, with the in-form Antonio Valencia dancing through the Chelsea defence at break-neck speed on one flank and Ashley Young (presumably with a new leg) zig-zagging in and out on the other and with Giggs and Rooney orchestrating play in the middle. However fortunate they may have been, by the 50th minute Chelsea had taken what looked to be an unassailable lead. Many teams would have crumbled, admitting defeat, but not United. Still they plugged away, winning two penalties, Welbeck's admittedly slightly dubious (but it makes up for the Cahill foul on Welbeck that was missed in the first half at 0-0), with Rooney despatching both with aplomb and a classic Chicharito, right-place-at-the-right-time, header to level in the 84th minute. Ferguson wanted another penalty late on but it would have been a harsh decision on Torres (for handball) as it struck him from point-blank range. Not forgetting a special mention for David De Gea who pulled off one of the saves of the season against a late Juan Mata free kick, at full stretch tipping the ball away as it careered towards the top left corner of the net. Magnificent reflexes and agility from the under-fire keeper.

'That' inspired save from the Spanish keeper

 Perhaps two points dropped in a way, but considering the deficit to have to come back from, I think it's safe to say a point is definitely not to be scoffed at. More of the same next week please Premier League.

Becks and H&M Collaborate

No, I'm not going to post a picture of him IN his new pants

So, yesterday Mr. Beckham launched his new range of underwear and lounge-wear at Regent Streets H&M branch. Needless to say you could probably see the crowds from space. Taking a leaf out of his wife's books, he has ventured into the world of his own fashion label, but keeping it relatively simple (thus far) may I say. The range consists of: briefs, boxer/briefs, boxer/trunks, boxer shorts, pyjama bottoms, t-shirt, vest, grandad top and long-johns, all varying in choices of either white, black or grey. I guarantee you will now see (well you won't actually see, and I can't actually guarantee either) a large proportion of the male population will be wearing the range. I'm sure (I'm not actually s...ok, enough) it won't be long before a range of shirts, jeans, knitted cardigans and hats etc. follow. Maybe he's starting with the undergarments and is slowly going to work outwards, like getting dressed, so you can eventually wear everything 'David Beckham' from pants to a coat. Maybe just don't start that process quite yet. 

 

Why on EARTH do we live in London when we could live in...not London?

Samoëns...A far cry from, *bleuurgh*, London

London. England's Capital City. Steeped in history. One of the best known and best loved cities worldwide. But does it even compare to a tiny town in the French Alps called Samoëns? Beautifully traditional, quaint, peaceful and wonderfully placed for easy access to the skii slopes above. So, no then. Then why do I live in this miserable, self loathing, over-populated, crime riddled city? Because it's convenient? Perhaps. Because it's full of friendly people? That was a joke. Because it makes sense financially? Certainly not. Convenience it is then, but it's not even really that. Bar Central London and North West-ish, where I live and work, I have no need to go anywhere else. Site seeing, once done, is done. You can only admire such landmarks as The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben once, If that, and then all that's left are tower blocks, council estates and unobtainable mansions. Ok, so I'm being a little bit dramatic having just returned to the dreariness of London after spending a week in the snow filled Alps, but It does make me question why I am here and not there. Then, like always, once my standard, realistic, non-dreamer brain returns to replace the one filled with rants, raves and completely unrealisable aims, it hits me. Work. And future work opportunities. Fun. But work wouldn't be called 'work' if it was fun. It would be called...fun. Going to 'fun' 5 times a week sounds soooo much more appealing, but that's besides the point. London has HUGE opportunities for furthering careers and THAT's why I'm here. That's why EVERYONE is here. That's why it's overpopulated, jobs are oversubscribed, travel is shi...I'm off again.       

Happy New...grumble grumble

The New Year presented much anticipation..

2012. A new year for new resolutions, promises, ideals etc etc. But in the end it becomes the same old same old it always is. Hoorah, we celebrate the 1st Jan like we're going to turn over a new chapter in life, the world is going to be different this year we tell ourselves. A few days later and we're commuting back into work, sat at our desks doing exactly what we were 2 weeks ago, eating salads for lunch (because we ate so much over Christmas)- which lasts all of 2 days. We detour towards the gym on the way home only to change our minds at the last minute and state "I'll start tomorrow" which roughly translates as "I'll make the resolution again in 2013". Vow to take ourselves off to bed at "a reasonable hour" due to being back at work, yet we still feel the need to be watching a re-run of 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' until 2am, having to get up a only a few hours later, tired, aggravated and cursing BBC3. Yes, Happy New Year.

OK, so maybe I'm being a little pessimistic, Christmas is the best time of the year for me after all, so the chances are I'm a little bitter at not STILL being in Christmas holiday mode. I do however feel 'new year resolutions' are a load of rubbish. If you're going to do something worthwhile, do it, don't wait until January. The new year does represent the chance to do differently however, so to those of you who do have realistic ambitions for 2012, good luck. 

Because it will be EPIC

http://www.thedarkknightrises.com/

Lovely Jubby

No, for all you Del Boy fans, it's not a type-o although the title should have a 'vs.' in-between. Here we have two contrasting meals invented and prepared by my good self, one made from the finest ingredients found in my parents fridge/cupboard (lovely), and the second, ingredients scraped  together from my own food reserves (jubby). Now, I'm not saying that I buy jubby food products (and for those of you who don't know what jubby means...it means gross) but I am referring to the leftovers of ingredients used for different meals, combining them in an alternative or perhaps sometimes questionable way as to not waste anything. This doesn't refer to taste by the way, just either appearance or the idea of certain concoctions. I am pretty sure this has a lot to do with not quite breaking free of the student lifestyle but sometimes it's a stomach pleaser and a great alternative to a trip to the shops, especially on those hungover days...I told you, student lifestyle. Anyhow, whilst I'm sure everyone who bothers to actually read this will appreciate the monotony, blabbering and procrastinating that I tend to do, here are the two meals in question...

Firstly, for the 'lovely', here we have a 'Make-it-up-as-you-go-along Salad Nicoise'. Typically including; tuna, a hard boiled egg, potato, tomato, french beans, onion, olives, basil, cucumber, anchovies and lettuce with a garlicky, french dressing.
In my recipe we have: lettuce, spinach, red onion, red pepper, tuna, pine nuts, a poached egg and coriander. I also added a little bit of mayo and lemon juice to the tuna (from a can, not a steak!) and drizzled some honey & mustard dressing and a splash of balsamic vinegar over the top. If you don't have a mountain of these ingredients and need to bulk it out a bit to fill yourself up, it is worth adding some noodles. Cook them and leave them to cool as to not freak out the tuna-mayo combo though.

Sooooo, that just leaves the less 'lovely' looking 'Omelette meets Macaroni Cheese meets Dahl soup'. There is no original recipe for this because quite frankly, no-one in their right mind would think to put these atrocities of conflicting flavours together...almost no-one anyway. In my defence, I only had two eggs, half a pot of soup and smidgen of my housemates leftover mac & cheese to work with and I was quite hungry. PLUS, all three taste good individually, they are just on the same plate, no harm done. Except to your eyes maybe. Sorry. In case you were wondering, the omelette consisted of mushroom, coriander and a lot of milk (to make it puffy and light), I added some thickening granules to the soup to make it more like a curry consistency and the macaroni was from a packet. It was filling, unusual and cost approximately £1. Not bad if you don't care what you're eating looks like eh?

The EX-Factor

And the winner is...Tulisa, apparently

FINALLY. X-Factor is over. No more panic on a Saturday evening on realising you're watching 'Strictly' during the overlap, even though it makes no difference to you what happens on the show. Who's going to win? Little-Mix or Marcus? A question you feel compelled to answer, even though you don't care, the person asking doesn't really care, and it doesn't matter anyway as you're not going to vote. Yet, you still moan when the person you secretly (but not really) wanted to win, didn't. I say 'you', but this includes me. I hate that I hate it, yet still watch it. Religiously. ANYway, It is indeed over now (except for the "highly anticipated", standard winners single over the Christmas period), until next summer at least. Oh, and Little Mix won by the way...yay.

Half a year, every year, that's what we waste watching this relentless, life stealing show. So, for now, let's enjoy NOT having to revolve our weekend plans around the X-Factor (even though we don't want to, but end up doing so anyway), NOT having to plan our weekly conversations around the 'event' and the build up to the next one, and generally giving other programmes a chance, like...BBC2's Snooker Championship coverage. Or, maybe not.