The escalator. A simple, mundane yet effective invention, often overlooked as a necessity to the London Undergrounds (and shopping centers, and even inside some stores like TopShop and Primark...awful, awful places. Always far too many people) links to the world above. It should get more credit, more love, have people be more attentive to its needs, to the 'rules'. What I'm getting at here is, DON'T FUCKING STAND ON THE LEFT!
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| You wouldn't fucking SMOKE on the escalator would you!? |
Now, I cannot be swayed nor deterred with my argument here. If you are a tourist, use your eyes. That's what they are for. Seeing. Look at what other people do, if you are doing it differently to the majority, the chances are you're doing it wrong. Or being a wanker for purposely opposing normality. You are not an innovator, you are not a martyr, hell you're not even mildly amusing. You're just a wanker.
If you live here, on the other hand, in London and you have a brain, (physically, not literally. If you physically have no brain, I will accept you as an exception) you have no excuses. You know the 'rules'. If you stand on the wrong side, you are doing it on purpose, so thou shalt be banished to Hell for all eternity whenst thoust dies!.. I have no idea why that became all olden day lingo, it felt right, although I'm pretty sure technically, historically and linguistically, its completely wrong.
ANYway. I would like to remind people of these 'rules' and the problems facing others who have the misfortune of encountering those who do not care for them.
You also may have noticed an unconventional, perhaps puzzling use of inverted commas, these are because when speaking of said 'rules', they are not technically law. They are unwritten rules, a mythological set of instructions passed down by word of mouth over generations...or something like that. We all know them anyway, that's my point. So for pity sake, adhere to them!
1) If you have a buggy, make a concerted effort to park it to one side, it leaves enough of a gap for others to pass. Do not use that gap to stand in, adjacent to your buggy. That gap is for those in a rush, or the non-lazy people of London.
**This also applies to luggage. Give it its own step!
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| *tut tut* She should know better. She looks wise....she's old. |
2) Don't stand side-by-side with another person on the right, on the same step. Just because you are trying to squeeze in to make it look like you're aware of the fact that you shouldn't be spilling over onto the wrong side...you are. It would be less effort, and make your squished mate (who was there first) less uncomfortable if you were to just stand in front of or behind them in the first place.
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| Escalator Wanker. Or if you're American, Wankorrr. |
3) Even worse than standing on the wrong side is walking slower than TIME up the left hand side. If you insist on walking this slow, you may as well just be standing still. On the right. The same type of person usually tops this stunt off by stopping a mere 20 feet shy of the peak...WHY!? Has your body given up on you? Are you physically incapable of making the last few steps to the top? Most probably not. I do not even have an explanation for this behaviour, it is quite simply too much for my brain to comprehend. It literally explodes every time this event occurs.
**This includes cutting someone up to get to the escalator first, only to dawdle at one tenth of the speed UP the stairs, slowing the person behind you and thus ruining their day before it has even begun.
4) PDA's on the escalator. In fact, overzealous PDA's ANYWHERE. Get a room. Or don't. I couldn't care less. Just stop tonguing so ferociously in front of my face. It offends my eyes and sickens my stomach. And probably gives young children and old dears nightmares.
5) Know the difference between an escalator and an elevator and what human capabilities you have to help yourself as best you can...
